Escape is on my mind

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Above is a photograph of Ella jumping on the trampoline after we had a particularly blanketing hailstorm last winter. I love this photo because it appears like she is actually leaving - getting out of here - off to other places and times, via the passage of flight.

Right now, I also want to take leave. Not from my house or my family or friends. From my own brain.

It's been a totally immersed 5 days for me, sorting through my websites, blogs, finally succumbing to twitter, sorting through the filing cabinets in my brain, attempting to sort out where the hell I'm going this year. Alas, enormous plans and hopes take up enormous planes of time and cash flow, and sometimes I despair about the lack of both of these things in my life right now.

Everything is great. Our life is abundant and we want for nothing. Kids are thriving. Husband doing well. House beautiful. Friends fulfilling. Weather lovely, all that. I have everything to be grateful for.

It just seems I'm working working working striving working creating striving working working focussing dedicating working working working and every time I look up, I'm only inches ahead of where I was before and there's an entire world of MORE to do ahead of me. (And not a penny in payment, on top of it all - and yes, being paid your worth and for your work DOES matter).

I don't know. I love what I do. I live and breathe it and sometimes it just wants to burst from my skin, it's so uncontainable. I love every part of my work, including my work as a mother, but at what price? Exhaustion and the perception that achievements are on slow-mo? It seems I'm on fast forward and responses are in rewind. All I do is quietly wait and wait and wait amidst the clatter of my frenetic planning and ceaseless creating. All the while not even knowing if it will lead me somewhere wonderful, or even rewarding, in the end.

Have I taken on too much? Do I expect too much of myself? of others? Am I far too enthusiastic and hopeful? Do I aim too high?

My mum always said I was horribly impatient. Maybe I just need to fly away for a while. On that note, I'm off to make myself a coffee and take some time out.


Megan said...

My goodness, I could have written this (except not so eloquently!) - it's straight from the whirlwind of my brain. When I decide to do something, it's non-stop, full-focus on it.

Your work is incredible and I guess it's a constant 'problem' in life, this juggling the desire to go with the flow and relax, along with wanting - needing - to achieve.

Good luck with finding your balance. xo

Tiny Concept said...

Great minds hey!- I have been struggling with focus lately. My mind won't rest even after hours of lying in bed, hoping I will eventually drift off and the thoughts will stop running around in my head. Sometimes I wonder 'what am I really doing all this for?', but I just can't help myself, you are not alone! Enjoy your coffee!
PS. Love the photo!
PPS. Love the new look blog!

life and the memoirs said...

Tania your words are a replication of my thoughts. Frequent thoughts. I relate to every word, every emotion, every doubt you have expressed.
I've asked myself at times, many of the same questions you contemplate. Have I taken on too much? Do I expect too much of myself and of others? Am I far too enthusiastic? Do I aim too high? Do I not know how to relax enough? There is so MUCH I want to do, achieve, I love my life, my gorgeous, supportive and beautiful family, my to do list is never empty. My head doesn't know how to slow down... I'm happy, happy mum, happy family. I can't imagine anything else. I've always been like this, and I'm not going to change now!

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